Politics, the Art of Flinging Pooh

It's election time. The time of the year when vying to get put on the public teat for another term brings out the best in every candidate. They might as well be monkeys flinging pooh at each other, and I don't mean cute little bears.

You probably remember that old campaign "slur:" I happen to know that my opponent's sister is a well-known thespian in New York City.

Well, it's like deja vu all over again. The local NPR station has been flogging a visit by that "well-known national comedienne Kate Clinton." Yeah, we all know her as well as George Carlin and Jerry Seinfeld.

Her shtick is "life and political observation [hey! I thought that was my job!]." A lot of her observations are on being gay. So, we've got a well-known lesbian who is living in New York City and she didn't hurt Bill Clinton's election runs one wit. How times have changed. Of course, she kept a lower profile than other famous siblings, like Billy Carter.

Speaking of failed Democrats, the party trotted the corpse of Fritz Mondale out of cryogenic storage for a run for the Senate because the real candidate did a Richie Valens. That race and the NJ senate race made a mockery of election laws. In most states, a candidate has to gather enough petition signatures to get on the ballot. The Republicans and Democrats usually make it easy for a candidate of their respective parties by marshaling the wheel-horses and those with patronage jobs to go out with petitions.

Today, that doesn't seem to matter much. If you're behind in the polls – like that crook from NJ [it doesn't matter which one] – just resign and have a more palatable guy take your place. Doesn't matter much that voters didn't put the guy on the ballot. I can make an exception for Wellstone since a majority of his family as with him when his plane made an inadvertent grounding. It's usually the Mrs. that gets to step in her husband's shoes. Let's see, it's more important to make sure I get my husband's political seat than mourn him in decent manner. Yep, that's politics alright.

Heck, there was even some guy – maybe from Missouri? – who got elected after he died. That says something about his opposition.

Local to Ohio, the Republican secretary of state, who is African-American, is broadcasting ads featuring a "homey" sounding person decrying how "they" are trying to hold him back. He's a Republican, he's "they!" The Dems are up in arms over the ad. I guess they believe they have exclusivity on the race card.

The elections for judges are this year. Lots of people saying they're for good government, tough law enforcement, and fairness. Huh? Who's going to say they're for crooked government, pay-offs for lenient sentences, and prejudice? They should just repeat the candidates name for 30 seconds.

I love this season. It's like watching Animal Farm with humans. Bush the Younger is traipsing all over the country on our dime, trying to get those old mossbacks re-elected. In the meantime the Dems are running around as the nay-sayers. Neither party has any plan other than more years in office, or pandering to voting minorities:
     Elect me and all of your gummer meds will be free!
     Nope, I'll never fix Social Security so that you blue-hairs won't get more than you ever put in!
     I'm going to propose a constitutional amendment to make flag burning a federal crime punishable by death!

Meanwhile the Justice Department is sliding us to a political state that rivals the best the National Socialists came up with in der Fatherland.

Across the lake, the Canadians are warning people with dual citizenships with Canada and middle-eastern countries not to change planes in the US because we'll snatch them and deport them to their other country of origin. Brrr! Who wants to get sent back to Yemen once you've seen downtown Bay of Fundy? Course it doesn't matter too much that Canada has only a slightly more stringent set of immigration laws than Argentina [der Fatherland, Part Zwei].

[Written before Gulf War II]
On the international front, the news from the UN is full of unintended humor as well. The Soviet Unio . . . oops . . . I mean Russia doesn't want us to kick Iraq's butt. They fail to see the irony of chastising us while they do everything but nuke Chechnya. The French – the world's lady of easy virtue among nations – doesn't want us to bust up Iraq for fear Paris will be occupied again. I'm waiting for Benelux to chime in as well.

It's not that I'm anxious to mess with Iraq again. We've got more reason to invade N. Korea [yeah, big nose, we got Da Bomb, whatcha gonna do?] than Iraq, but I resent the peewees telling us what we can and can't do. Invading Iraq is going to be like Somalia to the 10th power [post script from after Gulf War II: although we won easy-peasy, still don't make it right and most Iraqis want us out so they can jump back to the 8th Century]. We also have a lousy history of nation-building. I'm still awaiting free and open elections in Haiti.

But, how much does it really matter? The events outside my block rarely affect me. Sure, gas prices go up, but they always will. I have a hard time working up outrage over what's happening is Bosnia. Time to stop being the cop on the beat and start being the friend you call when you're in trouble. No more endless war for endless peace. If our buddies need help, we give it, otherwise mind our own business – we've got plenty of stuff here to keep up occupied.